Children aren’t born with insecurities. Somehow, they were taught to dislike parts of themselves. As a result, some couldn’t feel beautiful unless they had something to hide behind, and others couldn’t feel beautiful no matter how many times they’ve changed. We’ve witnessed this with Michael Jackson and others who may have had low self-esteem issues.

I’m sure that by now, many of you have seen the video where the mother was combing her daughter’s hair improperly, while talking down on her child’s texture (which she more than likely got from her mother), as if it were some sort of abomination. When I was watching this video, I was thinking “This is how it starts.”

Thinking that something is wrong with how we look; this is where it starts. Thinking that our natural hair doesn’t “look right” on us; this is where it starts. Fearing that anything about our appearance will be judged by other people; this is where it starts. Feeling the need to bring down the ones who don’t conform like we do; this is where it starts.

Practically everything is judged; hair, skin, noses, lips, and bodies. The mainstream taught us that we weren’t beautiful and we began to believe it. Then, we taught it to our children, keeping the cycle alive and kicking. We were taught that some of our attributes weren’t beautiful, so we changed them on ourselves, our children, and we felt that everyone else should do the same, instead of embracing everyone for who they are. If it was difficult to change them, or if they refused to change, we put them down. We put them down like how we were put down.

We have the power to break that cycle. It doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t let mainstream be your handbook.

Stop comparing little black girls to the next, and judging their appearance as if this is the fashion industry. Statements like “Your hair’s not good like her’s,” “Your hair is so nappy,” “You need a perm,” “You’re so dark,” and so on needs to stop. She is her own person, both beautiful and unique. She was not put on this earth to be put down. She was put on this earth to shine.

If you have a little daughter, hold her up in front of the mirror everyday and tell her that she’s beautiful. Don’t wait until she gets her hair straightened, or when she’s all “dolled up” to do it. If you’re only doing if she’s altered or dolled up, she’s only going to think that she’s beautiful only in those forms because that’s the only time you told her.

It’s kind of similar to how some women will only feel beautiful when they get their hair, nails, and makeup done. If they don’t get those things done, they don’t want to be seen. You see, at one point in time (or many points in time), someone taught them that they weren’t beautiful without those things, whether advertently or inadvertently.

Tell your daughter how beautiful she is in her natural form. Do it when her hair is all over her head, and do it when her hair is styled. Do it when her skin is flawless, and do it when her skin is broken out. Let her know that every part of her is beautiful. Say things like “Your eyebrows are so pretty! Your eyes are so pretty! You nose is so pretty! Your lips are so pretty! Your skin is so pretty!”

This will lead her into the direction where she can love everything about herself no matter what. She would feel beautiful natural, unnatural, bald, skinny, or fat. She could even walk into a room with a clown suit on and still steal the spotlight. No one will be able to phase her. If someone disapproves of how she styles her hair, what she has on, or makes fun of her, it won’t get to her.

Also, whenever she alters anything, it will not be because she feels that what she’s changing “doesn’t look right” on her, or because she wants to “fit in,” but simply because she felt like it. She will be confident enough in herself to not feel the need to bring other people down, and she will be able to see the beauty not only in herself, but in everyone around her. She will continue to do what she feels like doing and not feel the need to run, hide, or conform whenever someone makes an ignorant statement towards her.

Now I see my daughter staring at herself in the mirror and saying “I’m so beautiful,” with her plaits coming down and barrettes missing. As a child, I could never, in a million years, feel this confident looking in the mirror with my hair “done,” let alone with it all over the place.

I feel in my heart that this same confidence will follow my daughter into adulthood, and she can apply that same confidence to other things like education. Hopefully, she will go on to raise children of her own, and teach it to them. Imagine the type of impact that this could have on the world if we all did this?