Lets say that you have low self-esteem due to being made feel guilty for who are. 
To change this, you go through drastic measures to make yourself more “appealing.” You fit yourself into society’s box, but you still feel like shit. While you thought that it would give your self-esteem a boost, it doesn’t. It actually makes it worse.
You then decide to go against all the rules and let things flow. You went natural and through your journey, you began loving your hair and everything else that’s natural about yourself. You feel free. You’re minding your own business. Then someone or something decides to come along and give you a reason why you should change the very things about yourself that you actually love. They’re actually reminders of what had an influence on your low self-esteem in the past.
When I first went natural, my mother hated my hair. When it grew out and I experimented with different styles that made my coils loose, she loved it. It wasn’t until I began wearing my hair out unaltered that I realized that she only liked my hair when I wore them in twist-outs, which made my coils appear to be looser than what they actually were. When I don’t alter it, she constantly tries to get me to flat-iron it, wear my hair in twist-outs like I used to, or at least curl it up with rollers.
It’s almost as if she’s saying “Well since you’re not going to perm it, AT LEAST do something to it in a way that would make your coils appear looser than what they are.”
It makes me think about how naturals are portrayed in black magazines to fill in the “we-gave-you-one-little-ad-here-so-shut-your-mouth” quota. More than likely, if not flat ironed, the woman will have loose curls like Tracee Ellis Ross, Melanie Brown from the early Spice Girls days, or Tia and Tamera Mowry in their younger days. If the woman has really kinky hair, she will usually have a twa where her kinks aren’t as “offensive,” or this huge, massive fro (where the length makes up for the kinkiness of it).
The black community always want to talk about how black is so beautiful, but do we really feel that way as a whole? I beg to differ. They should rephrase their hypocrisy and change it to “black is beautiful as long as we turn a natural feature of ours into something that it’s not” or “as long as our natural features are of something that society would find to be more appealing” because this is the message that they’re sending.
If you want to know why some naturals are resorting to back to harmful chemicals because they hate their hair, will never be caught dead at their kinkiest, feel the need to straighten their hair for every job interview, or are getting depressed because their hair isn’t as big as an Erykah Badu afro wig, this is probably why. We are constantly pushed to give the illusion that our hair is something that it isn’t. If we don’t, we’re made to feel like we’re doing something wrong.
Don’t listen to them. You’re beautiful. Anyone who tries to get you to change anything that’s natural about yourself are obviously influenced by what’s going on in the world…which is pretty much stupid because what’s “cool” now may not be “cool” in the future. You don’t have to jump on bandwagons. If you do that, you be jumping on a new bandwagon every other month. Set your own beauty standard.
Being natural doesn’t automatically make you “free.” Some of us are still very much in prison. We need to learn how to appreciate and accept out hair in it’s raw form, no matter what it’s hair type or length. This same goes for any other part of ourselves.
Tags: coils, curly, Eyrkah Badu, hair type, Ignorance, natural hair, Tia and Tamera Mowry, Tracee Ellis Ross, twist-outs
Yep, i agree – I call it the ‘Black, but not TOO black’ Syndrome :0/
I agree with you. A lot of people go natural and expect their hair to look a certain way and are upset when they realize its not how they expected. I feel like everyone’s hair is their own; I can’t compare myself to anyone else because my hair is uniquely mine. I think it all comes down to learning to love yourself the way you are – with no alterations. Plus realizing that your own hair is beautiful – forget about what you were taught beauty is and make your own damn definition. I like what you said about “Black is Beautiful.” You’re right, no one really means that. It’s more like “Black is beautiful minus naps because those are still unacceptable.” Things need to change but that’s a difficult task because Black people are still buying into the same crap and promoting it themselves. I’m glad I’m not buying it anymore lol. Great blog
Yes, dead on point! About the mom thing, this must be common amongst a lot of us. My mom has issues with my hair too, especially if I’m wearing twists or start talking about locking my hair (LOL). The truly funny thing is, my mom has long worn her own hair natural, BUT she’s insists on dying it blonde.
I’ve recently begun interview other “natural women” and have discovered that the one person who consistently expresses a negative opinion about the subject’s hair is good ole mom.
This is the reason I wear locs in my hair. I don’t give damn about what people think. My hair was relaxed, and on my shoulders, and I stopped doing touch-ups for 6 months. I washed my hair, and had my daughter cut all the relaxed ends to my new growth. TWA, but I didn’t stop there. I went right to the beauty shop and got in the chair and got some twists. My beautician didn’t even believe me when I told her that I didn’t want my twists washed out, I actually had to convince her I really wanted my hair to loc. My mother passed on, but I know she wouldn’t like my hair. My father loves it, though. I’ve noticed most Black men are not feeling my locs, but every now and then a brotha will approach me, and say something really nice about my hair. When my hair was longer and relaxed the vibe was different.